This summer, very briefly, I worked as a member of the Red Cross' Disaster Relief Team following the floods devastating parts of our county and adjacent ones. My job was to listen, be supportive and address severe stress reactions as Red Cross team members from around the country helped families get food, clothing, furniture and shelter.
While it's true that I did these things, it's also true that these families gave me much in return. Five of six families told us to go down the road, that there was a family that had really been hurt by the flood. They said this as I looked around their yard and saw damaged goods, piled as high as my head, as they pointed to the places at the top of their stairs where the creek finally stopped rising. My neighbor was really hurt, and I looked at damaged photo albums with pictures that can't be replaced. I listened to them talk about the new trailer or home they hoped they'd be able to afford because their old one had been destroyed. A former student whose husband had lost his business told me that she had been helping people who had lost their homes, We'd been real lucky and didn't lose much.
Instead, she and others talked about neighbors who yelled to them in the early morning light, ensuring they left their home for safety. They talked about family who had taken them into their small homes -- maybe for weeks -- following the floods. They talked about friends who helped them clean and repaint. I saw people, many of whom were probably strangers, helping others burn the belongings that had been damaged in the flood and begin to rebuild.
It was inspiring for me to listen to these people working together, helping each other, being helped by their employers. I listened to them make meaning of their lives. I often just highlighted the things they were already doing, My pain is bearable with the support of my friends and family.
As I listened to them, I thought about how we make meaning for our lives. Our society is frequently described as individualistic, autonomous, and materialistic. However, we also work well together. These connections during a time of extreme stress keep us sane in a crazy world. They cause us to think about ourselves and others in a more optimistic light.
I have a small clinical practice in town. Many of my clients have experienced some sort of trauma in their lives, frequently at the hands of their relatives. While they are often angry at the parent or sibling who hurt them, they are often just as angry at the parent who "should have known" and failed to help. The people who were flooded learned that others are there to support and help them. My clients often conclude that no one is there for them. No one listens to them. People who love them, hurt them. They draw these conclusions because Mom doesn't see, Grandpa doesn't believe, their neighbors think they're bad, their teachers think they're stupid and wonder why they don't concentrate at school.
I think most of us are willing to help someone else when we know what to do. I saw that everywhere I went in the floods. However, most of us don't know what to do in situations where others are in emotional pain. We are uncomfortable being around sick or dying people, people who are hurt or traumatized, those who are scared. I smile thinking about one of the Red Cross workers who waved me into houses to "deal" with people. In the short period of time we were there we couldn't do more than hold someone's hand, listen to them, marvel at their strength and the generosity of friends and neighbors, normalize their reactions and, when necessary, make a referral to another agency. She could have done these things -- she was a kind and thoughtful woman -- but she didn't recognize that these skills were ones she had.
These are skills many of us have. Listening to someone in pain, being there, are all it takes to help someone in pain draw a different meaning about themselves and the nature of their world.
Page by Jeanne M. Slattery (jslattery@mail.clarion.edu)
URL= http://psy1.clarion.edu/jms/redcross.html
Last modified June 5, 1998.