Friends in pain
Previously published in the Clarion News, January, 2001
Each semester I have students come to me because they're worried about a roommate, friend, or family member who is suicidal, cutting, drinking, or bingeing and purging. They're worried and confused and want to know what they should do.
They should be worried. These acts hurt their friends physically and psychologically, often creating greater problems than they solve.
One way students -- and others -- may think about these problems is to consider that they are their friends' ways of expressing how overwhelmed they feel when otherwise unable to put words to feelings. "Here's how bad I feel..." "I want things to be different..."
While such acts may feel manipulative, it's probably more useful to think about these acts as a way of coping or solving a problem. When people in these situations are feeling overwhelmed, angry, stressed, or hurt, they may cut, burn, binge, drink, or think about suicide. This seems to reduce the pain for a short period of time. Unfortunately, this "solution" is generally short-lived. They often feel worse afterwards. They have the same old problem plus the guilt about the solution that they used -- but they don't know what else to do!
You may feel just as hopeless and helpless as they do. What can you do?
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Listen and understand, allow them to express their feelings regardless of how negative they are. This may be very difficult when their viewpoint is so different than your own. Most people who are hurting, however, do not expect to be understood. Nonetheless, they really appreciate your understanding. You don't have to agree with their perception of the situation, but don't dismiss their feelings. Take the time to understand their viewpoint. You can say something like, "It sounds like you're feeling x, since y happened..."
- Help them identify times when things are working -- if even just a little bit. Everyone has bad and good days. When things are going badly, it often feels like things are always bad. Without dismissing the validity of their bad days, help them remember the good. Help them see their successes, no matter how small. You might say, "While yesterday was a bad day, you seemed to handle it better than you used to." (Only if they did.)
- Help them identify ways to cope. Remember that they want things to be different, but don't know how to change them. Help them think about when they run into problems and when they don't. What seems to help? What can they do to make the problem just a little bit better?
- Help them ask for help. If they aren't in therapy, help them understand why you think it is important to work on these issues. Let them know that you think it takes courage to admit that they have a problem and that it takes real courage to do something to change it. Let them know that you believe that things can be different.
- They're more than just a problem. Often your friend or family member may feel like they are just the problem and that it is taking over their lives. Each is, however, a person first, albeit a person with a bad habit. Can you see the places where he or she continues to do well? Can you see the empathy, intelligence, creativity, or doggedness, rather than just the pain?
Can we fix things for them? No, the hatred is often internal, and the self-destructive acts are just a sign of this. They are not angry, stressed, or hurting because of you, although the way you respond can make things better or worse. They will, however, appreciate your consistent and patient support, while they struggle with these issues in and out of therapy.
Page by Jeanne M. Slattery (jslattery@mail.clarion.edu)
URL= http://psy1.clarion.edu/jms/redcross.html
Last modified January 24, 2001.
